Pain in the arse

I have been wondering whether or not to post this as I don’t know when too much Info is too much. My purpose of this blog was to portray everything, no holds barred, honest and truthful. So even though I know no man including my husband will ever find me sexually appealing again I will divulge….

About 5 years ago I had a very proud moment when I was a flight attendant when I managed to make the waste meter go up a notch after having a rather large poo. I kinda feel weird having the same pride this time around but how else should I feel after having a poo so big it….. Split my arse!

Yes you read it…. My bum broke having a poo. I have had to double dose my iron and vitamin D pills as I’m more deficient than Casper. This has led to some monumental movements that looked more like fossilised wood than roughage. On Monday my butt finally cracked… Pardon the pun. I felt a sting and then wiped and saw blood. Of course I was like WTF? I checked a million times that it wasn’t from my lady garden and thankfully it wasn’t. I thought great I have hemmaroids. That would just be horrid! Tuesday was the same thing.

My husband finally said. Ok come on let me take a look. I thought how sweet but really I need to keep some dignity. I dont know why as he saw me tear during childbirth last time. I had an appointment with the docs already set so I would just go to that.

That appointment was today. I did my duty and laid back and thought of England. I looked at the pretty pictures and the ceiling and braced myself. In goes my lovely Drs finger up the old one way street. Holey Moley do some people really do that for fun? And how the hell does a hamster fit in there anyway? The pain coupled with the fact I thought I was going to pebbledash the wall and my Dr made me cringe.

Thankfully she had good news. There are no clingons on the starboard bow. I simply split my arse. Right! Somehow that’s better.

As I sit here I have a friggin surpository the size of the Washington memorial up my jacksie and trying not to sneeze.

Did I mention I love being pregnant?

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