Feeding Fail

I really amaze myself at just how unbelievably thick i am.  Those that know me will not be surprised but I did a massive faux pas earlier.

So I feed Thing 1 by sitting her up in her little baby pod.  The baby pod as you know has a little toy on the table that spins around.  Why did I not see this coming?

Thing 2 will sit there and eat her food.  Lovely beige tepid rice cereal.  Then in between bites she will suck on part of the toy.  That toy then becomes laced with sloppy rice cereal.  Then with a sense of mischief and a glint in her eye she spins the toy around as fast as she can.  She gives it a good proper spin to ensure that she gets it all the way up my nose and across the ceiling.  The sense of accomplishment on her face is so wonderful.

Thing 2 has been doing extremely well with her rice cereal.  I am now coming up to 5 months with her.  It has gone so quickly.  I am sill expressing milk but I am sad to say it is pretty much all gone.  I pump and pump and pump and nothing comes out.  I feel the let down of milk and then a dribble comes out.  I try and relax as much as I can.  I visualize my milk coming down but nothing works.  My period has returned in full force which I believe has something to do with it.

Now every time I feed Thing 2 I relish it as it may be my last.  Not only my last feed with Thing 2 but my last Feed…….ever.  I feel so sad about that.  The only thing keeping me going is the fact that WeightWatchers will be starting again on August 1st and I will finally get my body back.  I love feeding but having to eat the extra calories is now becoming a chore.  I just feel plain bad eating those extra pounds.  It is all so worth it though when I look down and see my little girl at my boob.  She has her eyes closed and she has her hand resting on her head.  She rubs her head as she feeds.  Her other arm is holding me around my waist.  It is the most precious time.

My times like this are now numbered.  I am sure it will be like I am grieving when the day comes but for now I will enjoy it.

I can’t say the same for pumping.  Its such a sterile procedure that is not remotely exciting.  The only good thing is I can check FaceBook while I am at it.  It gives me peace of mind that Thing 2 is still getting some antibodies and good calories and able to experience a wide variety of tastes.  I have had to top up her bottles for daycare for the past 2 weeks and it made me feel like such a failure.  again, why do us mums put so much pressure on ourselves?  Every bit of me hates myself for doing it but I can see I cannot meet her demand now.  She wants 6 ounces per bottle now and I only produce 2 ounces per feed.

I try to feed her on a night from my boob and because it doesn’t come out fast and plentiful, she gets really frustrated.  I had t admit I was doing it more for my sake than her’s.  I really miss it.  I am feeling sad that this is the end of a very special bonding time.

 

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One Response to “Feeding Fail”

  1. Abbers says:

    Sorry to hear it hunni. You have still given them both the best start ever and you’re probably the best mum in the world! Hugs xx

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