Anxiety………….depressed or just being a bitch?

Ok so I have been breast feeding for 5 months now.  I am now only able to fill 1 bag of milk per day.  Thats 6 ounces.  She drinks 24 bounces at daycare.  I have therefore had to top up my bottles with formula.  I think that I am now coming to the end of my reign as breast feeder extraordinaire.  This has led to some anxiety and if I am perfectly honest, quite a bit of sadness.

I am really torn as I cannot wait to stop feeding an get back on to weight watchers, but I am also really dreading giving up feeding because it is a bond and a stage of my life that I will never get back.  I keep imagining my boobs dragging on the floor behind me the minute I stop feeding and pumping.  Dragging like the chains on the ghost at the beginning of A Christmas Carol.  My punishment for not carrying on my maternal duties.

I get this knot in my stomach and just want to cry when I see my little one feeding as I want it to last but I know it won’t.  She doesn’t actually feed anymore from me except for the occasional 4am feed.  She gets so hungry now that she is used to the bottle giving her instant satisfaction, whereas my boobs she has to work at it.  She gets really frustrated and gets upset.  I then give her a bottle and that makes me sad.  I feel happy that she is getting what she wants but can’t help feeling sad and guilty at the same time.

I see how quick she is growing up and changing and I just stare at her an awe.  She is just so wide eyed and smiley.  She grabs hold of my cross on my necklace and pulls my face in to hers.  When she has her bottle before bed, she puts her hand up and makes sure that she touches my face for the entire feed.

Does she know just how much I appreciate that small gesture.When I have my guilty/ down moments I start to get irritated.  irritated that I work and that takes me away from seeing my girls grow.  Irritated that I am so tired on a weekend.  I then become snappy and sad with my husband and get all paranoid about being a crap mummy.

my poor husband can’t say or do anything to cheer me up when i am in these moments.  I just need to work my way through them.  They are happening less now  as I am focusing on enjoying the fact that the girls are changing and growing and not mourning the phase that has already passed.

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2 Responses to “Anxiety………….depressed or just being a bitch?”

  1. Sarah the Brit says:

    I had a dream the other night that I started breast feeding again and when I woke up I felt so sad that I couldn’t and wasn’t. Lucy is my last baby so won’t be doing that again. Life is incredibly hectic I also work full time like u Sarah and feel guilty all the time and feel so tired and snappy. I don’t sit down til about 9.30 each night and feel exhausted most the time. I have zero time for me and accept that but do get well jell of people who do get time. But it’s worth it and my kids love me and I love them xxx

    • sarah says:

      Sarah that is so good to hear that my feelings are not alien. Its so hard isn’t it. God if I only knew what my parents were going through when I was a kid, I wouldnt have been such an arsehole!!! Lucy is such a cutie pie Sarah, whatever you and Del are doing it is clearly working xx

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