celebrate the firsts……don’t mourn the lasts

I have obviously not posted a blog entry for a while and the reason for that is I have had shall we say, a challenging couple of weeks.

I recently met with a dear friend.  I was a little concerned at my own behavior and felt i needed an intervention.  Don’t worry Im not drinking brake fluid or leaving my child in random places and I am certainly not sitting in week old feces.  My concern was with my plummeting mood, random crying spells and feeling of grief and emptiness.

This is all centered around Thing 2 and the sense of not having more children.  It is something I have really bottled up and not really spoken about.  I was worried about posting this blog entry as I felt like I am admitting that I am a crap mum and a basket case and no one would understand how I felt.  I made a promise to my readers though that I would be upfront and honest and tell the truth.

I had to find out whether I was suffering from Post Natal Depression.  I have 2 beautiful girls.  A husband who is very attentive.  A beautiful house and a career I love.  Why the hell am I then looking down at my tummy crying?  Poking it, feeling the empty pouch that will not be filled again.  Seeing my saggy tits and belly flap flapping in the breeze and thinking I will never get my body back.  Looking at the same flappy boobs in disgust at that fact they failed me and only provided sustinence for Thing 2 for 5 months.  I am having a massive pity party and I am the only one invited.  I would snap at my husband for nothing and I would feel sad all the time.  I found excuses to not go out to places as I just felt like it would be too much bother and a hassle.  This was the last straw….this is not who I am!!!I am happy, love going out and certainly love being a mum.  What is wrong with me?

I sent out a note to my friend and asked what she may think.  True to form she said she will come meet me for a good old cup of tea.  I felt like such a failure and such a muppet for sitting there moaning about things.  Am i really this selfish?  Does the world really not revolve around me.  I didnt see it this way at the time but in retrospect I think, gosh I was making my life miserable, my hubbys life miserable, and my kids.  When you are the one feeling these emotions you just don’t see it that way.  You think the world is crapping on you on purpose.

I got myself caught in this spiral of thinking that everything that is wrong was my fault.  If thing 2 got sick, it was because my boobs were so crap that they stopped working and the evil formula was causing it.  If Thing 1 wouldn’t go to the potty, it was of course my fault.  What a dangerous way to view the world.  This is why I had to talk to someone.  All my other friends seemed so happy and normal and I did not feel that i could open up for fear that they might not be able to relate.  I was therefore pleasantly surprised to learn that all these feelings are regularly experienced by mummy’s and it is just the severity that may vary.

My main reality check was to hear the words “why are you making decisions and closing the door on more children?”  I have constantly said throughout even the early posts on this blog that there will be no more children.  After hearing this comment from my friend, she is right, for all I know, we could win the lottery next week.  My hubby may get a huge raise.  You just never know what is around the corner.  Sure I do not see us having a 3rd in these circumstances but I shouldnt close the door completely.

You would not believe what relief I felt when I had that realization.  Plus when she told me that she hears these same concerns and fears from many other ladies, I felt so elated.  Yay!!! I’m not a complete basket case.

The other wisdom she passed to me is celebrate all the firsts with Thing 2.  Don’t mourn that fact that she will not breastfeed again, celebrate the fact that she is eating rice cereal.  Don’t mourn the fact that she no longer lies there still, even with a full diaper, celebrate the fact that they are sitting up and rolling around and making sure they get their shit all up their back and in every fold of skin on their leg.  It is so true and I have made a concerted effort and it seems to be working right now.

I am still having issues with going out to places from time to time.  I go out and I force myself to do these things.  I enjoy myself when i get there but I still absolutely dread them and get stressed out on the run up to a gathering.  This is something for me to keep working on.

I am also taking the 3rd piece of advice and I am making sure I pick up an old hobby that i have not done for a while.  For me it was running.  I have taken to running with my dog and WOW the endorphins feel so good.  It is helping me lose weight.  The saggy tits are even coming back up past my navel. It is great to have some bonding time with the doggy too.  Poor thing must feel left out since the kids came along.  She is so great.

I guess my main takeaway from this is DONT KEEP IT BOTTLED UP! Talk to your friends.  If you are scared to talk to your friends, send me an email I will be more than happy to listen.

Stay happy friends xxxx


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