Damn you Anxiety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have done really well this last couple of weeks with my whole “am i depressed or am i anxious” issue.  The other day it reared its ugly head.  Blogging has certainly helped and emails of support from readers and friends has helped immensley.  Even just to hear that other people have gone through the same thing has made me feel less of a weirdo/failure/psycho.  I still have work to do though as I found out the other night.

Our household is run like clockwork:

  • Thing 2 gets up at 6.15am
  • Thing 1 gets up at 6.30am
  • we are out the door and at daycare by 7.15am
  • (Mummy gets to sit at work and fight the feelings of guilt for not being with the girls)
  • i pick girls up by 5.30pm
  • Thing 1 in the bath at 6.15pm and then in bed
  • Thing 2 in bath by 6.45pm and then in bed
  • Mummy and Daddy get to be by themselves from 7pm onwards.
  • (Mummy now feels guilty that she puts the girls to bed so early as she has not spent all day with them)

It is regimented but it works so well for us and it means that me and darling hubby get quality time together.  There is a huge issue I am having with deviating from this plan.  When I grew up I had no sense of organization and I was always foprgetting things.  I rebelled against structure and regularly missed deadlines.  Once I met my husband it all changed.  I got my act together.  I went polar opposite and now have structure, planning and deadlines for EVERYTHING (oh and most things have an accompanying Excel Spreadsheet…………yeah, I know……ANAL!)  I now really struggle with changes and It seems to set off moments of chronic anxiety.

An example would be the other night at Thing 1′s dance class.  The Dance class starts at 6pm.  It finishes at 6.45 and I am usually home by 7pm.  That obviously conflicts with Thing 1′s bed time.  We went as a family and had Thing 2 in tow.  It got to 6.30pm and Thing 2 started to get upset and fussy and cranky as she was so tired.  I could feel the heat rising from my feet and I knew a panic attack was coming.  I then tried to surpress it but hubby could see I was starting to have an episode.  He took Thing 2 to the car and put her in her seat to settle down.  Thing 1 then had to be measured for her tap shoes.  This probably only took about 5 minutes nut in my screwed up brain it took an AGE! I texted my hubby and basically dropped F bombs everywhere saying how F’in ridiculous this is and why are the F’in doing this now and I am such a Shit mother and i am selfish wanting to bring the whole family and Thing 2 is cranky because of my poor planning.  By this time I can feel the hives coming up on my chest and a pounding headache.  I could feel my breathing getting shallower and faster.  My foot was shaking harder than a shitting dogs.  I tried my best to hold the tears back. 

Finally!!!!!! Thing 1 appears and we are all set to go.  We all got in the car and set off home.  I broke down in the car and cried the whole way home.  I kept very quiet so that Thing 1 didnt see or hear me.  How ridiculous!!!!! 

What is strange is that during these moments, I am very self aware that the situation is not caused by me,  I can see that I am not causing anyone any harm, I am aware that I am completely over reacting but I simply do not seem to be able to stop myself from having these episodes.  It really is like I am having an outer body experience.  I feel like I am at one side of the room looking at this basket case getting her knickers in a twist over nothing and I am pointing thinking, what the hell is up with this DipShit?  There is no problem!!! Wake up!!! Snap out of it!! But i can’t, the other side of my brain doesn;t seem to see my alter ego (the sane, rational one) stating how ridiculous i am being. Instead, I get worked up, take it out on my husband and then spend the whole evening and most of the next day punishing myself and re-evaluating the whole polava.

I hate that my husband see’s me like this.  He must feel so helpless because nothing he can do or say seems to help.  He offered several times via text that if I go to the car, sit with Thing 2, He will go and wait for Thing 1.  The response he got from me was “i F’in give up! its hopeless! I F’in hate this”  The poor guy.  He is doing everything he can to help and I just basically throw it all right back.

On the upside, I have become really aware of these incidents happening and usually within 10 minutes I approach my husband and apologize profusely.  I then sit down with him and tell him what thoughts went through my head for me to get so worked up.  He is so gracious and patient and sits there an listens to me witter on. 

Again even just reading this back now I feel so ridiculous!!!!!! A young 18 year old was beaten to death in her college dorm room the other day and that is the most gut wrenching horrible story and you would never wish it on anyone, so why am I being so ridiculous and selfish panicking over my kids going to bed half an hour late?  Sometimes i need to give myself these little reality checks and keep things in perspective.  It sounds easy doesn’t it?    Trust me when I tell you that it isnt easy at all.  It takes constant work and i know I will not be like this forever and i have great support.

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8 Responses to “Damn you Anxiety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  1. As a mother who raised 3 boys – the first 2 – 22 months apart, I can tell you this is a very real scenario (complete with anxiety attacks over anything, at any time) that almost every parent goes thru with 2 littles ones so close in age. The difference HERE is – I have NEVER really known two people who are so SOLID, soooo on the same page, with such love, humor, intelligence and PATIENCE and you and your husband. You run a remarkable household so efficiently but yet, remember that Sarah and Ben are still a couple who fell in love and are still very important to each other and STILL treat each other with such respect – it gives me hope and inspiration every day! I can tell you first hand Sarah, that your husband thinks you are an exceptional woman, wife and mother. I couldnt have more respect and pride in the two of you if I tried. You just do what you do honey…cuz there is NOTHING wrong with it!!! Much Love. Karen

    • sarah says:

      Karen that is so kind of you to say that. I tell you I count my blessings everyday for having such a great supportive husband and my friends have really been amazing and so understanding and patient. You are a doll!!! there is a special guy out there for you too xxxx

    • Jane Sheppard says:

      Just wrote a full page of how wonderful a daughter-in-law (I hate that word), daughter I have and lost the whole page – sigh! So I will say it all again, you are an amazing mother, wife and person, you will have difficulties sometimes, we all did – and still do! I thank god that you married my lovely boy and couldn’t wish for a more perfect daughter, do not beat yourself up, everyone is allowed a meltdown once in a while, we all love you and admire you and thank you for making us so proud of you, allow yourself a meltdown every once in a while, its so hard to keep juggling and every now and then you will drop the balls!! There are not many mother-in-laws who are as lucky as me and I am always very much aware of it, love you so much x x

      • sarah says:

        Wow! you have no idea how humble i feel and how glad I am to have you in my life. I am so lucky that even though I am MILES away I still have such huge support. Budgie is just simply amazing and you should be a very proud mumma too x

  2. Sarah Woodhouse says:

    We’ve got two girls with a 21 month gap and then nearly seven years to our son & your post rings so many bells! I’ve always been very strict with routines, especially bedtimes & for me as a parent it’s always been a priority (along with saying please and thank you, and enjoying books!) I was once told (by another mum!)that I was selfish for putting my kids to bed before their dad got home sometimes – but we all do what’s right for our own families. Sometimes you do have to relax the rules a little to save your own sanity though, but its totally normal to question yourself and worry that you’re doing the right thing for them all the time (oldest is nearly 12 and I still lie awake at night wondering if I’m doing it right). At the end of the day you have two beautiful, happy, healthy girls (judging by Ben’s posts-we both used to work with him!), and you deserve to give yourself a big pat on the back for that! x

    • sarah says:

      Sarah thank you so much for your response. It is so funny how hearing someone else experiencing the same thing really makes you feel instantly better about yourself. I guess we are all just learning really arent we and you are right there isnt a hard black and white rule book of what to do and what not to do. It still blows me away that some people have the front to criticise let alone comment on another mothers choices so you must have been gobsmacked when someone said that to you!!! where the F do they get off!!!!!
      How is Scott doing with the books? Anything new coming out? Oh and Budge tells me lots of stories from the cinema days lol!

  3. Star says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. As a new mom I face anxiety issues daily. It is good to know I am not the only one. It can be so hard, sometimes, I can’t even breathe. So thank you for sharing.

    • sarah says:

      Hello Star, Congratulations first of all for your new arrival. Also thank you so much for taking the time out of your schedule to post this comment. People like you make this blog so worth it because I feel issues like this are still taboo and not really spoken about. To hear other people getting relief that they are NOT going mad is very humbling and likewise in return it makes me feel so reassured that I am feeling just the same as so many moms out there.
      Whether you had a boy or girl I hope you treasure every moment (in-between freaking out like I do LOL!)

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